Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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