I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
