That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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