I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
