Kiss
Puke
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
