wrigley field is MILF paradise
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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