very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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