im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
