operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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