Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
