guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
