are you so shy because you have an std?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
