Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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