So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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