What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
