I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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