We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
