I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I am available for nakedness
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
