I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
