So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
