ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
