Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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