Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
