I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
