My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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