Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We got so high we made milksteak
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
