I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
