Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
