yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
