If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
