The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
