The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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