11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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