She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
