The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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