I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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