Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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