you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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