I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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