I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
