It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
