Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
