my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
