we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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