12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
