I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
