thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
