Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
