How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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