I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
