I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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