This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
